By Billie Goon
When someone mentions the year 2020 in conversation, it tends to stir up an intense wave of emotions. Some experienced a new level of rest, purpose and exploration amidst the pandemic while others sank into the deepest depths of fear, anxiety and frustration.
For me, 2020 was the year I lost my dad to his 11-year battle with cancer. It was also the year that I had my first baby: a seven pound seven ounce little girl that lit up my world. It was an emotional rollercoaster in the most literal sense, and I couldn’t see the end of the track anywhere in sight
In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes, “For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?”
I had read about grief, its complex processes, and even heard firsthand about the “firsts” after the loss of a loved one. These were often the hardest times of their lives: the first time you want to call and update your loved one with exciting news, or when you prepare to celebrate the first holiday without them. For me, the big “first” after losing my dad was pulled in and mixed together with what would be the most incredible day of my life up to that point, giving birth to my daughter and becoming a parent myself.
In On Death and Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross outlines the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. When I began looking at each of these stages as a mediation and opportunity to connect to my Heavenly Father, they shifted from clinical categories to Biblical truths of healing, comfort and faithfulness.
God is Faithful. In the first stage, I leaned on the promises of God’s faithfulness. I looked to the Lord in Psalm 18:2 as it reads: “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer, my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” He is never-failing.
God knows our Pain. As angry as I felt that my dad wasn’t here anymore and couldn’t be part of the wonderful experiences that were happening, I was never angry at God. In those moments, I looked to scripture that would speak to the anguish I was feeling, and I found in Jeremiah 8:18 it says, “My joy is gone; grief is upon me; my heart is sick within me.” Psalm 31 reads, “Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am in distress; my eye is wasted from grief; my soul and body also.” God knows my pain.
God is our Comfort. This led to my heart and my mind longing for the comfort that can only come from the Lord. Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” In so many conversations and situations, God pointed people to me and showered me with the kind of comfort that only he could provide.
God wants us to Surrender. Once I had traversed the push/pull of pain and comfort through scripture, prayer and the support of friends and family, I felt that surrender, giving it all to the Lord, was weighing heavily on my heart. In his perfect timing, the song “I Surrender All” kept coming on every time I streamed music.
“All to Jesus I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live”
God is Love. No matter how many times I prayed, cried or thought that I had figured it all out, I was never truly prepared for most of the “firsts” without my dad. The first Thanksgiving and Christmas, and even the next birthday that we would have celebrated together. But God never left me in my grief. He was and is steadfast in his love. From Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” And in Psalm 57:9-10 it says, “I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.”
As the holidays draw near, like so many others who know the deep pain of losing a loved one, I will inevitably feel that ache in my chest. The ache of knowing that another season will pass, and his chair at our table will once again be empty. For me, by keeping my eyes on God and His truths in the time that has passed since losing my dad, I have felt rest. The burden of grief has felt lighter as time has gone on because I know that the Lord is with me and I can rely on him to carry me through.
I can give thanks for both the life my dad had on this earth and for my Heavenly Father. My heart waits expectantly for when we will rejoice together in Heaven, and when that day comes, it will be such an incredible and wonderful “first”.
Thank you for writing and sharing this.